memory loss

for the past year or two, i have noticed a disturbing decrease of short term memory.  i have always had a problem with long term memory which i attribute to suppressing of terrible childhood experiences.  but the short term memory thing has gotten out of control.  i realized that part of the reason i am reluctant to socialize is that i can't remember what i've told anyone or what they've told me about their lives.  hub is constantly telling me that we have spoken about this or that when i have no or very little recollection of the discussion or email or whatever.  i read and read but i retain nothing.  maybe a general idea but no specifics.  and that was affecting me at my last job.  i can recognize that now.

i went to see my GP today who attributed the short term memory loss to taking ambien for the last five + years.  a very well documented side effect of ambien, short term memory loss has really taken over my life more than i ever thought imaginable.  i'll be starting a new sleep-aid medication tonight.  it's suppose to also have some anti-depressant properties to it, as well.

we'll see.  

self mutilation

i cut myself all the time when i was a teenager.  i stole razor blades from my dad's workbench.  i carved "i hate me" into my left arm when i was about 14 or 15.  i pick and scratch.  it takes weeks, months for me to heal from a small cut or abrasion.  when i am extremely stressed, i pick at my fingernails and rip them off.  often i rip them so close that they bleed and intensely throb for days after.  it's really gross but i can not stop myself once i start.  it gives me a rush.  i feel actual physical pain instead of heartache and emptiness.  but it doesn't last.  

loneliness

what has been so apparent to me, as of late, is the realization that my life has been plagued with extreme loneliness.  a dark, empty place inside.  it feels as stark and forbidding as a winter day.  


this feeling was supposed to go away when i....
when i graduated.
when i went to college.  
when i moved back home and went to college.
when i dropped out of college.  
when i moved out.  
when i ended one relationship. 
when i started another relationship. 
when i got married.  
when i kicked him out.
when i got divorced.  
when i got married.  
when i moved.
when i got divorced.  
when i moved.
when i dumped someone.
when i found someone.
when i went back to school.
when i got married. 
when i found my birth mother. 
when i had kids.  
when i was not working.  
when i went back to school. 
when i went back to work.  
when i quit.  
when.  
when.  
when.  


never ends.

omg, just l e a v e .   i need you to leave.  this is your invitation to fucking leave.  please take it. 

i want to live

i want to love

but it's a long road out of hell

~marilyn manson~

dear hub:

please understand how incredibly difficult it is to admit that missing just ONE dose of my morning medication 
completely changes my demeanor, my personality, me.  

being sick = feeling better ?

for some reason, being sick seems to have brought me out of my last funk.  it's good news.  i really hate the funk.

major depressive disorder

http://www.allaboutdepression.com/dia_03.html

part one

i think that everyone who is adopted has some sort of identity issues and abandonment issues.  some it doesn't affect much and some, it affects a lot.  it didn't bother me much when i was growing up.  my brother always had an issue with it.  the issue that i had was how much my brother hurt our parents by throwing their lack of bloodline back in their face.  i never wanted to do that.  

as i grew older, my issues abandonment became obvious to me.  i struggled with relationships and trust.  when i had my own kids, i began to wonder.  all the normal questions sprouted up; what was our family history of cancer or birth defects, things like that.  after we had our second (and last) son, i fell into a deep, deep post-partum depression.  i felt guilty for having a second child that would take my attention away from the first.  i felt like i was a failure because i was unsuccessful at breast feeding both of my children.  i was having trouble bonding with my little guy and i felt like i had hurt my oldest child.  i couldn't get out of bed, i couldn't take care of my children.  i couldn't take care of myself.  i couldn't take care of my hub.  i completely withdrew from everyone and everything.  

finally, when i couldn't take it anymore, i went to a post-partum depression group.  i started seeing psychiatrists and therapists.  i was quickly diagnosed as bi-polar.  i never felt like it really fit me but i was desperate for help.  i just wanted to feel better.  i began to wonder if there was a biological reason i had always had a problem with depression; if there was something that i had inherited in my genes.  

i began to research.  i had been adopted in the state of kansas.  kansas has open adoption records.  if you contact the state, you can get a copy of your original birth certificate and the state would try to contact your birth parents on your behalf, sharing whatever information you wanted.  i had the address for months, years probably before i actually wrote to the state.  within a couple of weeks, i got a voicemail.  it was late on early oct of 08.  i was getting into bed and plugging my phone in to charge overnight.  i noticed i had a voicemail.  it was a message from my birthmother (M).  she had been contacted by the state and wanted to speak with me.

i met M and my two half sisters (W & S) and my half brother (R) and a whole other slew of people that i am related to in nov of that year.  it was such a wonderful weekend.  i was just taken in and made part of the family.  it was a wonderful feeling.  

i talked with M frequently and shared a lot with her.  i also spoke with R frequently.  he is an alcoholic and addict (he's been clean for about a year now).  but he'd get drunk and call me all the time.  he said he was going to bring M to my house for a visit in dec.  when that didn't happen, i went out to see them in jan of 09 and took my oldest son.  it was a strange visit.  it probably was not a good idea but it was what it was.  M had recently fallen on some ice and broken her collar bone.  she was in a lot of pain and R had just moved back in with her.  there was a lot going on.  R said some things to my son that i did not care for and i asked him to stop.  he didn't.    

we went home and things became estranged between me and my "new" family.  i think i had this misconception that things would all come together for me once i met them and knew them and knew the story of how i came to be adopted.  the story was not what i had expected.  i became overwhelmed with emotions about all of this.  i went into a deep depression and withdrew from them.  it was easy to do because i started working full time at a very demanding company.  it allowed me to stay disconnected from them and dealing with the issues.  

during this time, i continued therapy and meds for bi-polar.  M had a history of depression.  R had been diagnosed as bi-polar and is an addict.  W is an addict/alcoholic.  S is really the only one of us that doesn't seem to have any issues.  and she was the one that M had kept and raised herself.  interesting.  obviously i do not know if there is a direct link there but it's something to think about.  

i finally quit going to therapy when i realized that i was just complaining about having to juggle work and the kids and my hub and my hub not picking up his dirty socks and toys everywhere and all that shit that is life.  i kept up with the meds.  but after a while, i grew tiresome of the side-effects (no energy, low sex drive, emotional disconnect from everyone.  i started asking my psychiatrist to change my meds.  he did but it didn't help.  he suggested talk therapy with his associate.  i started that.  it was the same complaining as before and just made my life more complicated, trying to make appts while working, etc.  

i found a new psychiatrist.  i talked to her at depth about my history.  and while she clearly was not comfortable going against my last psychiatrist's diagnosis (he specialized in treatment of bi-polar), she disagreed with it.  she diagnosed me with major depression.  and changed my meds.  i began to come back to life.  

residential treatment

i have often wondered if i needed residential treatment for my depression.  but i guess i do not qualify b/c i can still get out of bed everyday.  every day, i get up and go through the motions.  aside from my kids, i have no reason to get out of bed.  my personal connections have fallen to the wayside and i am unable to put much energy into them.  it's painful to think about how i've let so many dear people to me think i do not care any longer.  it's difficult to explain to others that my depression isolates me severely.  most of the time, i have no will to talk or see anyone; to even leave my house.  in fact, i will stay in my house for days at a time if possible.  i do not want to talk to a therapist.  i don't feel like i have issues to work out and all i end up doing is bitching that my husband doesn't pick up any toys or put his dirty socks in the hamper or that i can't get my three year old to stop screaming (screeching).  

i'm over my baggage.  i mean, it's still in the trunk, don't get me wrong; but i don't take it out every time i get out of the car.  when you've been through the abuse that i want through as a child, you never really get to leave those bags at the curb and walk away.  but i've accepted what happened and moved on.  it's helpful that i have a man in my life that i can truly trust with all my heart.  sometimes i feel a wall too high to climb between us but i know it's the depression.  he is worthy of my trust and my love.  and i do love him.  deeper and deeper, every day.  

but this is what he gets; my damaged heart...

quotes

i'd like to run away From you, but if you didn't come and find me... i would die.
~ Shirley Bassey ~


“...depression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is plain
and simple reduction of feeling...people who keep stiff upper lips
find that it's damn hard to smile.”

hiding in my room, safe within my womb,
i touch no one and no one touches me.
i am a rock,
i am an island.
and a rock feels no pain;
and an island never cries.
~paul simon

that's the thing about depression: a human being can survive almost
anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. but depression is so
insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see
the end. the fog is like a cage without a key.

Depression's Evolutionary Roots

Two scientists suggest that depression is not a malfunction, but a mental adaptation that brings certain cognitive advantages:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=depressions-evolutionary&page=2

you don't get it, never have

i can barely take care of myself.  certainly it is hard to take care of others but in spurts, it's ok.  the thought of being along with the kids for 5 days straight, no support; i am terrified.  you don't get that i get overwhelmed at the thought of this.  and on top of that, you decide to be away on your bday.  this will be your 8th bday since we were together and you choose to spend it away from me.  that hurts.  i want to spend my bday alone.  somewhere.  by myself.  and i'll do it.  don't doubt it.  done it before, do it again.  i deserve to have what i want too.

this looks like a good place to spend my bday.

can't even open my eyes

i feel so down today.  nothing feels good.  nothing comforts me.  nothing.  i feel nothing.  i just want that rock to crawl under.  if i didn't know that there was a chance of better days to come, i am not sure that i could keep going on like this.  sometimes there just seems no way out of the darkness.

this country needs to step up and realize that marijuana is a remedy for so many ailments.  it certainly helps me when i feel this down.  i know it's a help for cancer and HIV patients.  this is an issue that will not just get swept on the rug.  the movement to legalize marijuana in the US, even for medicinal purposes, is moving like a freight train.  i hope it makes a stop near me.

what's up, duck?

feeling a little better today.  a day with the kids at school is always nice.  i love them so very much but the quietness of the house is such a peaceful.  especially the little one.  he's a screamer.  no matter how much i threaten time-out, put him in time-out; the screaming continues.  i need some tranquility.  i can't imagine working full time and doing all that i do now.  no wonder i was such a wreck when i worked at that hell hole.  but still.  i want the hole to burrow in.  the rock to crawl under.  the cabin in a remote place.  just me, some books, some coffee, a computer (w/ wifi, of course) and a fireplace.  oh and a cozy bed.  with lots of pillows.  just a place to rest.  to recharge.  to regain something.  to come out of the cloud.

broken and angry. angry and broken.

i've been depressed most of my life.  on and off.  mostly on.  especially the last few yrs.  it's such a dark place to be.  so isolating and unhappy.  i don't know what triggered this one.  maybe grandpa dying.  maybe the trip west.  maybe the broken relationships with my mother's sister and her family.  maybe seeing my birth mother.  or my half brother.  maybe missing my meds on sunday am.  something.  i slept until 11 am today.  only b/c i medicated myself.  oh and i slept in the little one's bed.  with him.  but in his bed, all night, all morning.  until 11 am.

i just can't bring a smile to my face.  i can't laugh.  i can't anything.  i just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.  i want to go a cabin in a beautiful place and be there by myself.  and just be.  that's what i really wish i could do.  i wish i had a place to go.  to cry and read and stay up all night and sleep all day and do whatever i wanted or needed.

it scares me to death that my kids might have inherited this dark place.  they are both such happy kids.  of course, they have not gone through what i went through by the time i was their age.  it's no wonder.  and they saw him again.  how could they see him.  how?  they know what he did to me.  i mean, i don't begrudge them wanting a relationship with him.  he is their child too.  but they know.  and she had to list him on the obit.  first grandkid.  his kid, first great grandkid.  i won't lie.  it stung.  she said it was chronological.  he said that if he had known about the services, he would have driven down for them.  really.  you haven't given a shit about anyone in our family for the better part of your life and you think it's important that you attend his funeral.  wtf.  maybe you should pay back all the money you borrowed from him.  maybe our cousins should do the same.

broken and angry.  angry and broken.

and the hub is so clueless. i mean.  come on.  how many times do we have to run this cycle for him to figure it out.  it comes, it goes.  it mostly comes.  but it does go too.  i thought my latest cocktail was really working.  nothing will ever really work.  it's just the way it is.  no changing nature.  i have cried.  and cried and cried some more.  there are real emotions.  which is a nice change from being numb.  but damn, i can't even escape anymore.  alcohol makes me crazy.  or it makes me sick.  klonopin barely touches it.  i need some herbs.