i have often wondered if i needed residential treatment for my depression. but i guess i do not qualify b/c i can still get out of bed everyday. every day, i get up and go through the motions. aside from my kids, i have no reason to get out of bed. my personal connections have fallen to the wayside and i am unable to put much energy into them. it's painful to think about how i've let so many dear people to me think i do not care any longer. it's difficult to explain to others that my depression isolates me severely. most of the time, i have no will to talk or see anyone; to even leave my house. in fact, i will stay in my house for days at a time if possible. i do not want to talk to a therapist. i don't feel like i have issues to work out and all i end up doing is bitching that my husband doesn't pick up any toys or put his dirty socks in the hamper or that i can't get my three year old to stop screaming (screeching).
i'm over my baggage. i mean, it's still in the trunk, don't get me wrong; but i don't take it out every time i get out of the car. when you've been through the abuse that i want through as a child, you never really get to leave those bags at the curb and walk away. but i've accepted what happened and moved on. it's helpful that i have a man in my life that i can truly trust with all my heart. sometimes i feel a wall too high to climb between us but i know it's the depression. he is worthy of my trust and my love. and i do love him. deeper and deeper, every day.
but this is what he gets; my damaged heart...
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