broken and angry. angry and broken.

i've been depressed most of my life.  on and off.  mostly on.  especially the last few yrs.  it's such a dark place to be.  so isolating and unhappy.  i don't know what triggered this one.  maybe grandpa dying.  maybe the trip west.  maybe the broken relationships with my mother's sister and her family.  maybe seeing my birth mother.  or my half brother.  maybe missing my meds on sunday am.  something.  i slept until 11 am today.  only b/c i medicated myself.  oh and i slept in the little one's bed.  with him.  but in his bed, all night, all morning.  until 11 am.

i just can't bring a smile to my face.  i can't laugh.  i can't anything.  i just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.  i want to go a cabin in a beautiful place and be there by myself.  and just be.  that's what i really wish i could do.  i wish i had a place to go.  to cry and read and stay up all night and sleep all day and do whatever i wanted or needed.

it scares me to death that my kids might have inherited this dark place.  they are both such happy kids.  of course, they have not gone through what i went through by the time i was their age.  it's no wonder.  and they saw him again.  how could they see him.  how?  they know what he did to me.  i mean, i don't begrudge them wanting a relationship with him.  he is their child too.  but they know.  and she had to list him on the obit.  first grandkid.  his kid, first great grandkid.  i won't lie.  it stung.  she said it was chronological.  he said that if he had known about the services, he would have driven down for them.  really.  you haven't given a shit about anyone in our family for the better part of your life and you think it's important that you attend his funeral.  wtf.  maybe you should pay back all the money you borrowed from him.  maybe our cousins should do the same.

broken and angry.  angry and broken.

and the hub is so clueless. i mean.  come on.  how many times do we have to run this cycle for him to figure it out.  it comes, it goes.  it mostly comes.  but it does go too.  i thought my latest cocktail was really working.  nothing will ever really work.  it's just the way it is.  no changing nature.  i have cried.  and cried and cried some more.  there are real emotions.  which is a nice change from being numb.  but damn, i can't even escape anymore.  alcohol makes me crazy.  or it makes me sick.  klonopin barely touches it.  i need some herbs.